Week 2 : Recovering a Sense of Identity

Going Sane.

Remember: Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure, creative energy. There is an underlying, in-dwelling creative force infusing all of life — including ourselves. It is safe to open ourselves up to greater and greater creativity. Our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we move toward our dreams, we move toward our divinity.

What we play is life.
-Louis Armstrong

Checking In.

How many days this week did you complete the morning pages? How as that experience for you?

Did you do your artist date this week? What did you do? How did it feel?

Were there any other issues this week that you felt had to do with recovering a sense of creativity?

The Second Week. Recovering a sense of identity.

This week addresses self-definition as a major component of creative recovery. You may find yourself drawing new boundaries and staking out new territories as your personal needs, desires, and interests announce themselves. The essays and tools are aimed at moving you into your personal identity, a self-defined you.

Going Sane.

Trusting our creativity is a new behavior for many of us. It may feel threatening, not only to ourselves, but to our friends, associates, and intimates. We may feel and look erratic as we begin this process… it's important to remember that at first flush, going sane feels just like going crazy. There is a normal ebb and flow to this work. As we gain strength, so will some of the attacks of self doubt. This is normal, it's a symptom of recovery. We'll hear “Okay, so I did my morning pages… but I probably did them wrong, could have done them better, and didn't do them every day… I probably will let this slide soon. I can't actually stick with this work, not really.” The attacks are groundless, but they FEEL real.

Just as a recovering alcoholic has to avoid that first drink, we have to avoid buying into that first “Think,” that first  self doubt. The attacks can come from both internal and external sources. They are sort of a creative virus. Affirmations, the affirmation that you find within the affirmation as we learned last week, are the best antidote to this virus.

Don't let self doubt lead you into self sabotage… remember the morning pages are private, you are NOT to share them with anyone or even re-read them yourself. (One newly unblocked writer shared his pages with a friend, who criticized his writing, and BANG he was blocked again.) Don't sabotage yourself!

Poisonous Playmates.

People stay blocked for a number of reasons. You can describe it as having an anorexia of creativity… you don't write (paint, explore your training skills, develop as a rider) because you're getting something you value out of being blocked. You may be enjoying the martyrdom of it, you might be just scared of taking on the consequences of success — from bigger challenges, to hollow successes. You may be softwired to get your ya-yas from sympathy and pity.

People you know around you are in the same place. One of the hard things about unblocking is that it shifts who you are in your strata of friends… and it may well threaten people who are entrenched in being stuck. They will have a vested interest in keeping you stuck. Be alert to subtle sabotage, not only from your inner critic, but from friends. When you feel the undertow of criticism, see a red flag- that's a person you want to avoid for a while.

Be very careful to safeguard your newly recovering artist self. Your morning pages (evening pages for some) become a channel to your inner guide, that part of yourself that actually looks out for you, knows what's best, is there for you. You'll be led to new sources of support as you write these pages faithfully. It will become easier to be creative than not to be.

Crazymakers.

The second form of sabotage comes from friends who fall into the category of Crazymakers. They create storm centers around themselves. Drama queens, they are charismatic or otherwise seductively attractive, and they suck up your energy and time with their constant pressing problems and challenges. Crazymakers love to set people against each other, they love to undermine you JUST as you're about to succeed. They rent a cabin twice as large as agreed upon and expect you to foot the difference in the bill. THey show up early for a party and expect you to drop everything and entertain them. They abuse the people around them, and are adept at making you feel that the problem is the people around them — not the Crazymaker. They discount your reality. “I know you asked me not to call you this early, but…” They spend your time and your money. THey set people against each other with gossip and malicious rumor. They feed on rancor. You're dealing with figure and ground — they draw attention to unimportant dramas and pull you away from all important projects of your own. They sabotage your schedule, your work place — they'll suddenly decide to sort socks in the middle of your drawing table. And they always deny that they are doing this. The problem is never them, but always you.

Why do we hang around these people? Because, the payoff is that we then have a legitimate excuse for not having lives that work. An excuse that is palatable. We are victims of the Crazymakers, that's acceptable — tolerating our potentially intolerable weaknesses and failing is NOT acceptable, we won't be able to survive that. Better to let the Crazymakers keep us stuck safely un-tried.

Skepticism.

One of the things that starts happening as you do this work and begin recovering your creative self is that you feel better, happier, more alive and as we begin to work with the gifts of being creative, things start to support us in the direction we want to be heading.

Coincidences begin to appear. However, right on the heels of that, is that you'll discount this as having any relation to opening up your creativity. We doubt ourselves and this process- “we not only look gift horses in the mouth, we swat them on the rump to get them out of our lives as quickly as possible.” There's a reluctance to recognize that the universe might be lining up to support us in our work. “We still feel too much like frauds to handle success, when it comes, we want to go.” During this course, try to gently set skepticism aside. When the world offers opportunity… nudge the opening door a little wider. Trust it, just for now, just a little.

Attention.

Pay attention to the moment you are living, right now, right now. As the yogis say, “Be here Now.” Keep returning to the world you are standing in, right this moment, without  judgement or fear.

“Regardless of whether we are experiencing success or failure, the truth of a life really has little to do with its quality. The quality of life is in proportion, always, to the capacity for delight. The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention.“

Each moment, taken alone, is always bearable. In the exact now, we are always alright. Each moment holds a beauty all its own, we are constantly adrift in a moment-to-moment experience of delight. It's the fretting about “what if…”, and the fretting about “I should have…” that keep us derailed from this exact moment. In this exact moment, we are alright. The fear and the shame keep us in pain, but in fact, they are not real. The color of the sky, the curve of your horse's neck, the touch of his muzzle against your hand. These are real. Pay attention.

RULES OF THE ROAD.

In order to release my creative self, I must:

1. Show up at the page. Use the page to rest, dream, try. Show up in the arena. Use the time with the horse to rest, dream, try, PLAY.
2. Fill the well by caring for my artist self. Fill the well by caring for my equestrian self.
3. Set small and gentle goals, and meet them.
4. Pray for guidance, courage, and humility.
5. Remember that it is far harder and more painful to be a blocked artist/rider than it is to do the work.
6. Be alert, always for the presence of the Creative Spirit leading and helping my artist self.
7. Choose companions who encourage me to do the work, not just talk about doing the work or why I am not doing the work.
8. Remember that the Creative Spirit loves creativity.
9. Remember that it is my job to do the work, not to judge the work.
10. Relax, let the Creative Spirit take care of the quality, you just take care of the quantity.

The Second Week:

Morning Pages and Artists Date

Remember, your Artist's Date is supposed to delight you!

Affirmative Reading :

Read the Basic Principles to yourself. Notice what you feel.

Time.

List your five major activities this week. How much time did you give to each one? Which were “want to's”, which were “shoulds”.  How much of your time is given to helping others, and ignoring your own desires? Do you have friends that trigger doubts in you? Draw a circle. Write in the center of the circle the topics you need to protect. Write the names of the friends who support you inside the circle. Put the names of the people who trigger doubts outside the circle. Use this to remind you to keep a little distance from the Crazymakers and the ones who actually prefer you to stay stuck.

Actions.

Make a list of things you love to do, aim for 20. When was the last time you did these things? Write a date next to each. From this list choose two things that can be this week's small goals. Look for windows of time just for you and use it in small creative acts. Don't overwhelm yourself with a huge goal — if you love photography, you could just buy a roll of film.

Affirmations.

Read your affirmations from week one. Note which ones seem to provoke the most reaction, they are usually the most significant. Write three affirmations five times in your Morning Pages each day.

Alternate Lives.

Add more lives to the list of alternative lives. Include some small action toward these alternative interests in your week. If you kind of wish you had enough lives to be a nun, can you give yourself a 10 minute retreat by walking in the woods in silence.

Life Pie.

Divide a circle into six parts. Label one piece spirituality, one exercise, one romance, one play, one work, one friends and family. Place a dot in each section at the level to which you are fulfilled in that area — out on the rim if you're delighted with that part of your life, in toward the center if you are less fulfilled. Connect the dots. This begins to show you where you are lopsided. Find a tiny way to nurture the areas you are impoverished.

10 Tiny Changes.

List ten changes you'd like to make for yourself, large or small.
Do it this way:
I would like to… get a new set of sheets.
I would like to… go to China.
I would like to… dump my bitchy friend Shelly.

Select one item and make it a goal for this week. It's okay to take on even the largest one — for instance, you can't go to China this week. You can investigate what it would cost, make an itinerary, talk to a travel agent, make it something measurably real. Or, take on the smallest one. I'd like to polish my tack.

DO that one item from your list. Notice how you feel when it's done- does it free up some energy?

The Artist's Way.

The Basic Principles.

1. Creativity is the natural order or life. Life is energy: pure creative energy.
2. There is an underlying, in-dwelling, creative force infusing all of life — including ourselves.
3. When we open ourselves to our creativity, we open ourselves to the creator's creativity within us and our lives.
4. We are, ourselves, creations. And we, in turn, are meant to continue creativity by being creative ourselves.
5. Creativity is God's gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to God.
6. The refusal to be creative is self-will and is counter to our true nature.
7. When we open ourselves to exploring our creativity, we open ourselves to God: Good Orderly Direction.
8. As we open our creative channel to the creator, many gentle but powerful changes are to be expected.
9. It is safe to open ourselves up to greater and greater creativity.
10. Our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we move toward our dreams, we move toward our divinity.

I'll be posting my check-in notes to the comments. Please share your experiences from Week One's exercises, if you need support in an area you're struggling with reach out for encouragement. I want to see us all unblock our creativity and get unstuck!